Funny Apple Patents you might not know about…

Note that the below is intended as a joke, and should not be taken seriously. Unless, of course, Apple have patented jokes, in which case I had better consult my solicitor.

Apple have a surprisingly large number of patents either issued or pending and seem to sue at the drop of a hat, so just to avoid any trouble I thought I would share with you some of their more unknown ones…

The Periodic Table of Elements
Apple patented the elements back in 1325. They sued Mendeleev for tabulating them and won on an out of court settlement. Mendeleev was bankrupted and went back to counting iron filings for a hobby.

Apple successfully ruled out prior art for fire after successfully patenting lightning. Now when lightning creates fire, Apple owns the fire.

The Wheel
The original wheel was Apple shaped, but people complained that the ride was bumpy. Apple therefore patented the Orange and based the wheel on it’s shape instead.

The Apple
When God gave man the Apple, man didn’t realise that the Apple was already patented by Apple and that God was just Steve Jobs‘ bitch. Man ate the Apple and unleashed lawyers on the world.

Keeping still
Apple’s broadest patent governs not moving. If you don’t move you are likely to be sued. The solar system was scared and the planets began spinning and orbiting just to avoid possible litigation. By this very action, no person on the planet is ever still and thus Apple can no longer sue, although there is a rumour that a place exists in the universe near to where the Big Bang happened in which nothing moves. Apple is trying to find this place so they can sue it.

Apple failed to patent music, but managed to patent the time signatures 7/8, 5/8 and 13/8 in 1979, 1981 and 1988 respectively. Progressive rock has never been the same since.

The Big Bang
The Big Bang was not created by a Chuck Norris™ roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris™ was created by Apple™ booting up their first Apple ][™.

Published by Kris

Bassist. Cat servant. Everything is better shiny.

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